Making Me Stronger?

Clouds and Blue – 2020

“What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger…”

Unknown

It has been a few weeks now that I have been dwelling in my car. With short temporary breaks. My diligence is in staying healthy and the responsibility of making sure I do my part to keep others safe. Over time this has create a very small universe… A contrast to my earlier travels where the open road and the giant sky fill me with hope, inspration and insight.

Today, I’m feeling the edgy effects of isolation, avoidance and lack of belonging anywhere. There are no libraries, galleries, museums, places to explore that are open. These were the places I gravitated to in order to recharge the battery of my introverted tendencies. These circumstances force me deeper … under the skin… into the dreams and blurry fears of what could be in there. The inner landscapes of a million intensions, unfinished projects, bad ideas, brilliance, the ones I was too scared to try, the emotional rubble left behind from past relationships, dreams neatly tucked in envelopes, poetry, the discarded stanzas of music in corners, the architectural mock ups of future things….into the infinite world of my mind and brushing up against the membranes of maddness….

I grew up hearing that hard work builds character….That if I wanted something I had to work for. Hard work paid off in the long run…. put in your fair share, etc…. some how I never dreamed it would bring me to living in my car watching the leaves burst on the trees as Spring announces it arrival. I’m not unhappy with the arrangement. It’s just different. I’m curious as to what I am supposed to do. I listen for guidance from the unseen powers that be and wrestle with the reality of the new normal.

My Prayer Beads – 2020

When I quit smoking 26 years ago, I had to take the time to go in and understand my feelings, figure out who I was with out nicotine. Accept my humanity and the human – isms of my being and the life I had lived. The biggest challenge was finding the courage to change and move into living a different way. It was not easy. I often say quitting smoking was one the hardest things I ever did. From that I learned to build on those skills in order to live life. Sometimes I got what I wanted…. mostly I learned more about myself and what I needed to learn to be a better person in the world. The process is as imperfect as me yet it works.

I started this writing to with quote,” what doesn’t kill is makes us stronger….”. Maybe it’s not strength it gives us. Perhaps it is authenticity. It makes the engaged experiences solid and embodied. We feel the visceral connections to reality…. unmedicated by the distractions of commerce and desire. It becomes less about beliefs and feelings and more about grace of being. It will be that grace (I think) that will carry us into the next part of this collaboration/cooperation experience with each other and the planet.